Monday, May 17, 2021

Melancholy? Pensiveness?

As a member of the Insecure Writer Support Group, I feel the need to share a moment of insecurity. I have found myself in a rather gloomy state, and no idea why. I do not particularly feel sad or depressed, but more like how one would feel after falling off a bike and no one saw it happen. That moment after you get a shock and some pain and have absolutely no one to share the experience with. 


The irony in this is I recently had a pleasant meal at a new friend's house. Of course, my husband insisted we take our kids, and that was as expected. But it is strange to me that after a moment of socializing I would feel a touch "alone" the following day. 

Was it simply a reminder that I was capable of meeting new people but terrible at it? A reminder that life is rather repetitive and simple (which is really just fine with me!)? My social anxiety is not crippling, but it does weigh heavily on me and perhaps this is just the first time I have had it in a while. Could it be a drop after adrenaline?

Why am I putting this out there. Because I felt insecure and I wanted to express the fact that it is okay. So I feel blue, so what? I will just go with it. I'm planning my son's birthday adventure (I don't do parties...maybe next year), signing him up for performing arts lessons, my daughter is using the potty without being prompted, I will finally get to attend a Con this summer, my first story was just published, my novel edits are moving along smoothly, the engineer and contractor are meeting to set up a timeline for our house, and I feel a little sad. No biggie. 

Strangely my first thought was, What did I eat? Then I decided I should probably just meditate. Now, I am thinking it is time to hit the gym and finish with some yoga.

I have become increasingly aware of the direct connection between physical and mental state, so I know it is time to do some self-love. I spent the entire day outside yesterday, editing under an umbrella. Maybe I just need some movement to go with that nature. I wish there was a good hiking trail to do some walking meditation. As much as I love exercising, the gym comes with a level of anxiety that is counterproductive. 

What do you do when you feel a bit insecure? Do you ever get a strange moment of "slowness" when you feel a little down even though you have plenty going on?

Writing meditation is also a trick of mine, but I did not feel like finding my old journal. This seemed like an okay place to get out some words. Thanks for your visit!

Book update:

Currently editing scene 9 of 35.

Current word count:  72872 

Goal:  Edit 4 scenes per week, including initial edits to identify issues with arcs, sequencing, action, and dialogue.

Tea:  Sweet & Spicy (Original Decaf)

11 comments:

  1. Hari OM
    The blog is the perfect reflective, 'think out loud' tool, and I use mine for exactly that purpose! Some of the best support and social security I have is from my blogging network.

    I suspect you may not be alone in these slightly displaced feelings; we are in strange times and moving through mud rather than clear water. Doing the daily tasks, cooking, taking plenty fluid, and yes, moving are essential to balance.

    I am off to make a cup of turmeric tea with anise and orange... YAM xx

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    1. I figured it was not just me. I work with a lot of younger women and I try my best to always show them they are not alone in their feelings. That tea sounds wonderful!

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  2. This is the perfect place to get out some words.
    Doing something fun and different still has a level of anxiety with it. (And it doesn't help that the past year has been a mess.) We get in ruts and stepping out and then back again can be a little melancholy.

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  3. Sharing halves the pain. And it's good you shared it here.
    It's perfectly normal to have such feeling of "loneliness" after such an outing. In fact, I have been through it.
    Anything could have triggered it. Best way I have figured out is to just leave it, and move on with something that you enjoy doing.
    My latest post: Back in British Council Library

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    1. I like that, "Sharing halves the pain." I agree, it took me years to learn to just leave it. Thanks for visiting!

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  4. I was nodding (yes) while reading your post.
    The 'aloneness' I've felt--especially after and sometimes even while meeting a group of friends, has been my clue to introspect, too.
    Gardening always rescues me as does a properly made cup of ginger chai:)
    Your editing schedule is inspiring--so thank you for sharing that and your insecurity here.
    Hope yoga helped...my mat is my other go to place when I'm feeling out of sorts.

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    1. I love gardening as well! I live in a space that limits my ability to have a garden right now, so I have been growing one at the childcare center where I work. Even the small amount of time I get to work in it is very pleasant.

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  5. I don't feel insecure around people in general, mainly because I don't care what they think of me anymore! But if I was around people I thought were "better than me" (what ever the f- that means), I'd probably feel uncomfortable and wish I was somewhere else, and if they were new people I'd never met I'd be nervous but try not to show it. Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and write.

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  6. I'm sorry you're blue, Steph. I'm blue, too. I guess a lot of people are. Thank goodness for meditation. I don't do much yoga anymore. Body doesn't bend like it used to. Haha. Yes, you're going to get through this. I'm glad you shared.

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  7. Trouble shared is trouble halved. The blog is the perfect space for it too. Melancholy has been my middle name throughout the last year, and I suspect it's not only me.

    Feel better soon.

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